Staying up despite all of my plans for tomorrow. Guests sleeping over in my dorm. One’s an amazing, sweet, genuine CHICA, and the other is definitely a hooker by night. >.> I’m talking about you, Oppa.
How can you tell me, “Hey… Don’t forget to smile,” when you’re choosing not to be a part of my life anymore?! :/ It’s a lot more difficult to be happy when you aren’t around. I just hope you know how much I’m really going to miss you. :(
How am I supposed to feel about the things I’ve done? I don’t know if I should stay or turn around and run. I know that I hurt you; things will never be the same. The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away.
We all have our limits. I was pushed past mine recently. I called it from the very beginning. I DID deteriorate into the very thing that I despised. It’s hard to live with myself now. What am I promoting? My words mean nothing and will now fall on deaf ears. I suppose I was a succubus from the start, but it was a latent trait and is now showing its true colors. To put things in perspective:
Her deepest, darkest secret coming to light, the girl panics. Her heart bursts from her chest. Her eyes gloss over as water leaks across her cheeks. What has she done? She knew the repercussions, the consequences. She warned others of them but continued forward herself, a despicable hypocrite to say the very least. She always talked herself above those that would do such heinous acts, but now, she was one of those people. Left alone and to herself, she walks into the kitchen and pulls out a large cutting knife. Stainless, pristine, sharp. Sobbing to herself, she goes into the bathroom and steps into the shower. Hot water cascades over her, but it isn’t enough to purify and cleanse her. She’s lost so much in this situation, the one she put herself in… She knew, but she didn’t stop. She knew, but she didn’t care. Selfish, greedy, heartless. She apologizes out loud, over and over and over again. No one hears her words, but she’s sorry. She can never take back what she did, but she desperately wish she could. Scared, weak, hopeless. She presses the knife against her palm but can’t gather enough courage to push the blade in deeper. The irony of it all… Living isn’t easy, but… Dying isn’t any easier. Defeated by her intolerance of pain, she exits the shower, returns the knife to its proper place and continues life, going through the motions. She’ll be here in the morning, the day after, and even the day after that. Forever. Until nature is able to take its course. Crisis averted… For now.
Careful guys; I think my id is showing. :/ I don’t sleep much at all anymore. My thoughts just won’t slow down. Always dreaming, imagining, fantasizing, worrying. Don’t know whether or not to write about it here, but what I DO know out of everything that’s happened recently is that I’m beginning to condone the very thing I can’t stand! I’ve just deteriorated into this lonely, scared little girl, and… I want what I can’t have in more ways than one. Jeff, you were right from the very start, but I’ll keep denying it because I don’t want you to worry about me. I don’t want you to know the truth. I’m not worth the energy, and in a few months nothing’s going to matter much anyway. Haha. XD This always seems to happen to me. I’m just way too susceptible and vulnerable to my feelings and emotions. It’s so very nice to dream though… Hope you can understand that much at least.
You and I have created a special place in our imaginations for each other. Curiosity dwells in every corner, and each day, I anxiously wait for you to travel there with me. It’s not perfect or flawless, and each journey requires a trip back to reality, but it’s all I have to hold onto. You bring me comfort and happiness, as well as shame. Deep down, I know these visions will never materialize and become truth. You have your own path to follow, and I have mine. Desperation has finally taken over my thoughts, and I’ve fallen victim to my darkest wishes. If only I could have you in the real world, the way I want you, then maybe life would be worth living…